Sunday, March 31, 2013

He is a Good Guy

Chapter – I
Attack the mom! Attract with charm
I reached her house. She and her mom were anxiously and querulously waiting outside the house. I had to cross a perfect Brahmin family before I could reach her house. I opened the gate to enter inside and I was stopped by a hexagenerians “Whom do you want?”(yaaru paa venum?).
I do not want to develop another series of questionnaire like avaala theriyuma? Avaa friend ah? Avaa college ah? Saptela? Coffee Sapudrela? Kaaka vada suticha?
"I am going  upstairs" (mel veedu venum).
I didn’t wait for their acknowledgment. I went through an atleast-20-year-old rusted stair case. I was wearing a red-checked-full sleeve folded shirt and light blue jean.
The moment I saw her mom I was out of my nerves. I uttered “Hello Maam”, As if I was there for selling encyclopedias and detergent powders.
Before I could realize that I had made a terrible mistake, I was welcomed by her mom.
I was expecting ‘vango, ukkarungo, sapudrela?’.
But it was not the right time for expecting the expectations to happen. I started the conversation in a humble but bold, polite but self confident, reverent but manly tone as the first impression is always the best impression and I have to give a neat presentation.

Chapter – 2
Perfect chocolate for the perfect girl
I took out a mixer (spicy snack in Tamil) bought from kalaimagal sweets nearby and gave it to her mom. I was eagerly waiting for her, keeping an eye on every door possible. I could sense some Ilyaraja Music playing in my mind.
OMG! She was coming out of her room in her pink with black salwar. She was so fresh after taking her head bath. She looked so romantic in the moist hair. And I realized that her creator was watching me sitting behind. I gave her, her all time favorite Dairy Milk Crackle. She was very much excited but was controlling her emotions. She started unwrapping the foil slowly but passionately like a baby eagerly waiting to unwrap the Christmas presents. The half melted chocolate bulge was carefully sliced by her canine teeth with tongue wiping the vestige left behind. And…..
Mom: how did you do the exam? (exam epdi pannae?)
“That was a sharp interruption given by her mom flowing with multitudes of words and eagerly waiting for her next round of questionnaires “I badly wanted to comment like a cricket commentator.
Me: (which exam? Oh! The exam we created as a reason so that I could visit her house and I have to maintain the same story) Nalla (I was about to tell nanna but things could have gone worse) pannae ma.
She was moved when I told her amma.
I was so confident as if I had passed a preliminary test.
She didn’t ask me further but I should not leave the conversation so blunt because I started well.
Me: Exam was little tough. But let me see if I could clear this time.
Mom: Ah!
Me: Actually I studied well this time and I had given my sincere efforts.
Mom: ah AH!
I was startled by her reactions like in ‘Moov’ advertisement “ Ah muthal ah ah varai”.
Then I started talking about my mom, family, job, then mom, schooling including primary secondary and higher secondary, then mom, job. Finally I created an impression that I am more sticking onto my mother.
I was encouraged by her smile.  
Meanwhile this girl was about to finish her last piece of chocolate. And she was too busy licking the royal remainings in the aluminium foil. I was watching like the male artist watching Katrina kaif drinking Maaza in an advertisement.
I texted her “ Gummunu iruka
She started blushing until she noticed her mom nearby watching the live telecast. She didn’t reply back.
Mom: You should be hungry isn’t?
Me: (nice discovery! Should be enlisted in next year’s Manorama’s GK book) actually famished.
 I was given a full square vegetarian meal with appropriate ingredients of a Brahmin’s recipe. Well boiled white rice with sambar, rasam with papad, curd with pickles, vegetable dish etc. Unfortunately it was power shutdown and I was sweating profusely.
Her mom gave a hand fan to help myself. I praised her for the lunch and she was moved by it. She and her mom finished her lunch well before my arrival and I was having my lunch in solitude. I wanted to take revenge.
Me: (turning towards her mom) Has she started studying? Exams are just three more days left I suppose?  (She was taken aback and her mom gave her a nasty look).
Mom: She is never listening to my words. Not one bit. I had been scolding her right from the morning and she is not even touching her books.
Now my rasam and papad was getting tastier than before.
Mom: Her dad will be very angry when he comes to know that she is not at all studying.
She threw her sharp eyes upon me and I started eating curd, absurd. 

Chapter – 3
Filter coffee? Illa ithu bru
Minutes later. Her mom went inside the kitchen for refilling my plate. And I was doing nothing but staring at her. We couldn’t take our eyes, off, each other. Thousands of Giga bytes of information were being transmitted within us, seamlessly, until her mom butted in.
Mom: Is food enough?
Me: (taking my eyes off her) up to the brim
I could sense there was a slight disturbance in her mom's facial expressions that made her feel uncomfortable.
She sat in the sofa and started talking with her daughter. I went to the kitchen for hand wash and returned back to occupy my seat, as if I am going to hatch eggs.
They were talking and I started viewing my previous messages in my mobile. And still they were talking with each other. I open an unused application in my mobile and uninstalled it to create free memory space. And still they were talking. I locked and unlocked my mobile several times. And still they were talking.
I badly wanted to shout “Excuse me ladies, we introduce ourselves. He is Saravanan, I am his friend Partha”.
But I didn’t and started watching them talking. Their gossip was so unhealthy that I was growing sick. My future mother-in-law was doing this so intentionally to get rid off me. But she liked me. And I was so confident about it., only thing was she couldn’t accept the slightest doubt that was germinated in her mind.
 " are they really friends?" her mom's eyes spoke a lot.
Her mom went inside the kitchen for preparing coffee.
Mom: You need coffee?
Me: half sugar (like a diabetic patient).
I accepted her hospitality to lengthen her stay in the kitchen. 
I started walking slowly towards my girl. But she ran off to the balcony. I gesticulated to feel her presence by extending my hand. She responded well. I clutched her hand so tightly until the coffee aroma sprawled in the hall completely. I came back to my sense and released her hand under parole.
Mom came back with hot degree coffee in a well cleansed tumbler and Dawara.  
Mom: Is sugar level ok?
I nodded my head, confused while doing, if that was a tone of sarcasm or hospitality?
Me: (I couldn’t control my anxiety and I asked the most obvious question) Filter coffee?
Mom: (laughing) illa ithu Bru
All started laughing for this unprecedented comedy.  

Chapter – 4
Aunty in nighty
An aunty from downstairs called my aunty. Let us refer her as Aunty.
Aunty: Is this the boy from IBM whom you were looking for your daughter?
I was frenzied and glared at her. She nodded horizontally in deliverance. 
Mom: No! This is her friend. (Turning towards me) come and say hiii
Me:  (I went to the door and) Hi (I saw an ugly Aunty in nighty)
Aunty: Hi,you are from? ( As if like an interviewer asking her interviewee the most obvious question” tell me about yourself”)

Me: (I told a small gist of my introduction, where I am from, that she is my friend. Blah blah... I came inside as I could not stand the sight of the aunty in nighty as I need to protect my eyes from cataract, night blindness and all forms of communicable and non communicable diseases.)
Aunty: When is your daughter getting married?
Me:  (WTF)
Her: (Turning towards me with red cheeks in anger and moist eyes)
Mom: Not now. Maybe in two years.
I got hold of her hand, pacifying her, “don worry nothing will happen“.
She nodded. 

Chapter – 5
He is a good guy
After leaving the aunty behind us we sat in the hall with no conversation going between us. And it was time for me to impress her mom again.
I came close to her and talked about my mom, how she takes care of me, how I am taking care of her, how I should take care of her in future, that I should come up big in life, that I want to study more in life. She was carefully listening to every word I was uttering. She was moved but she couldn’t express it. She was touched but couldn’t accept it. She liked me but couldn’t express it.
After that I stopped talking. I was waiting for her to express something.  She remained silent. Everybody remained silent.
She was watching the floor with eyes that failed to blink. She started breathing heavily, exhaling the air, trying to tell something.
I badly want to tell something to breach the silence.
Me: I am leaving ma
Mom: (nodding her face, facing down, with no words of expression)
I waved my hand to her and her mom. Slowly walked downstairs, and went out into the scorching street.
Mom: (turning towards her) He is a good guy (and left back to the kitchen).

Wednesday, March 20, 2013


Adult contents prevail. Hence under aged, above aged and week hearts (that includes kidney failure) shall be prohibited from reading. 

God created man in 7 days. Who knows, god might have been so tired after his creation and that is why some technical glitch happened. Something like the glitch happened while preparing Power Puff Girls. But in this case it was not a Samaritan that was created. It was THE VIDEO BOY. I am planning to write a novel about THE VIDEO BOYS once I finish with my experimental analysis on ground level basis completely.
Before getting into further,let me explain who THE VIDEO BOY’s are. They are normal Homo sapiens with similar homogeneous & heterogeneous organs and functions with a slight mutation in their behavioral aspect (other details shall be elucidated later in detail).
Many experts have analyzed about the genesis of THE VIDEO BOY’s that could be a catastrophic collaborations of humans with Chimpanzees, humans with stray dogs or chimpanzees with orangutans.  Unfortunately these so called creatures,with longevity of time, metamorphosed into appearance of Homo sapiens and our society accepted these creatures. And now, they are mingled so well among us that the very existence of THE VIDEO BOYs are feigned.  As soon as I started researching about THE VIDEO BOYs lots of people started questioning. A very few frequently asked questions are answered below.


1)      Why am I interested in case study of THE VIDEO BOYs? What made me to?
Because I was intensely assaulted by one such creature that turned me to a researcher.

2)      What does the proper noun, THE VIDEO BOY ,mean?
‘BOY’ in tamil means paiya/paiyan/payale. As pengal are namkangal my jurisdiction of research binds within adam. ‘THE’article signifies an unspecific feature, to spread the crux in generic. ‘VIDEO’represents the way in which they try to project themselves cinematographing human gestures and habits.
Disclaimer: Ardent tamilans misinterpret the name with their unbridled tempo of mispronunciation.

3)      What are the identifications of THE VIDEO BOYs?
They stay aloof with no friends /mutual friends no matter even you work for 30 years together. They will not even mingle with their fellow THE VIDEO BOYs. Their true nature will be revealed when perturbed. They will immediately create something out of nothing or nothing out of something to blame it on others. THE VIDEO BOYs basically project themselves as genius by proving others as idiots. Unfortunately the very negotiation proves their stature of nincompoop. They portray themselves as valiant warriors whereas they will pee the very instant when they hear a dog’s bark in Discovery channel. To be simple they are pen without nib. Ox without pox. Bottle without cap. Pliers without threads. Good for nothing wasteful occupancy of mere existence in this world.

4)      How to identity THE VIDEO BOYs amongst normal human beings?
Just say the world is going to end. They will claim “it was all because of you". If they were in our places they would have saved the world by sharing the load of Hercules (sometimes THE VIDEO BOYs are so dump enough to confuse with Hercules bicycle and start lifting it).
Just try to prove your mettle by calculating 1+2=3. Immediately they would retaliate dexterously to prove you are wrong by claiming 1+2=7.5. Of course they are 7.5 (yelrai is a tamil word for 7.5 which is considered unlucky).
They will pee when you say ‘you are in a problem?’.They regurgitate when you say ‘you are ingenious.’

5)      What will be the consequences of THE VIDEO BOYs?
THE VIDEO BOYs are so narcissistic that they will compare their IQ level with that of Newton’s, Kepler’s & Einstein’s. 

Once a THE VIDEO BOY walked happily in a street, feeling proud after proving himself ingenious to a beggar by bribing him 2 Rs, happened to see something strange lying on the road. It smelt so foul that scintillated the tantalized THE VIDEO BOY’s unused putrefied brain. He immediately took a scoop and licked it (probably such auspicious and capricious behavior might have been bequeathed from his human - stray dog forefathers)and shouted SHIT! Thank god I didn’t step on it.

Thus the THE VIDEO BOYs can tackle any onslaughts and baits with their 8th sense (rest seven are in heaven).

Once a THE VIDEO BOY was badly in need of paper. It could have been bought from nearby store that would hardly taken 30 minutes of commute. But as expected the THE VIDEO BOY’s unexpected brain mutation struck him with an idea, as he broke into my table in my absence, took paper and fulfilled his needs.
I was like OMG! What would he do when his family urgently needs a baby when he is out of station?

Oh! One thing I forgot to tell you. Nobody in the world can understand why they will escalate? When they will escalate? Why they will bootlick? When they will bootlick?
And for your kind remainder, you can never win a THE VIDEO BOY while he is raging because the moment when you start to retaliate THE VIDEO BOY, by that time, would have been bootlicking. Thus you will always fail in the operation of infiltration.
PS: Oh you didn’t get the title yet? Please read FAQ 2 again. 

to be continued...